… When I wake up, my love is strong. My heart is full of the desire TO love, but also to be loved. When my day moves on, slowly I feel unappreciated. I can only see what I do, how far I’ve come, and how good I’m trying to be. When I fight for these good things, I look and see that I can only see. I am invisible to those around me. What I do is non-existent. This hurts.
What I have also come aware of, is I have too much empathy. I know this is a good thing, to be empathetic… But how good should one feel when her thoughts and feelings are CONSTANTLY spent on trying on other people’s shoes when others do not attempt to try on mine? I feel like all I do is understand. I understand how people feel when they are happy, sad, angry or depressed. I always strive to put myself there, to have understanding and to love in spite of it all. But it’s too much… I love too much… I understand too much… I FEEL too much… And it’s too much.
I have often, in my life so far, felt like I was never meant for this life because of my empathy. I don’t know anyone out there who feels as deeply as I do, who hurts as deeply as I hurt when I’m hurt, or who can’t let it go for the life of them, because the pain of it all never really goes away. Some people are fooled by my attitude towards certain things… Like my dear brother’s distance… But that is the shell I hide in trying to cover myself from the razors that fall on me, and pierce my skin and open gaping wounds. If I really show my soul to the world, then I would never stop crying. If people really looked at me, they would see someone who feels too much. It’s not natural for this planet and I guess that’s why I never feel like I fit in anywhere. No matter how much I try to express how I feel, nobody can relate. And that, my family and friends, is a very lonely feeling.
I’m growing tired. Not even my own words can express how I feel now. After all, who can really define the true essence of invisibility? I have tried in this blog entry. Loneliness is the best I have. I feel like this must be how a place so black you can’t see your own fingers, would be like. There is nothing but space and time, but you can’t see anything, and all you can do with your time is wander and hope that you will run into someone who is going through the same thing so that some part of you feels like it isn’t just you… but you’re invisible.
And the world moves on without you. They laugh without you, cry without you, rage without you and all you can think is how you understand… but they don’t see you laugh, cry or rage because you don’t matter like they matter. And you are sad, but they won’t see… they don’t understand because your empathy is foreign to this planet, and you will always have more empathy than they can give.
I don’t want people reading this to worry if I’m referring to being tired of living. That’s not it. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tired of having a life. Sometimes I want to run away and be alone and forget everyone because remembering and loving and understanding everyone in my life is just getting to be too much. I feel, in a large sense, like I’ve been abandoned. This is nobody’s fault. Just issues I have yet to come across and conquer… However, learning you’re appreciated and adored goes a long way compared to being ignored.
I guess I need to start a new change and learn to open my eyes so I can finally see reality for what it is, and not for what I want it to look like.
END.
Okay. So this one is a little sad. I'm sorry for that. I feel like this must read like someone who feels a little sorry for themselves, and maybe I do. I have issues I still have to work through. I have high expectations, and I take let-downs harshly. This doesn't make for a strong person, but a weak one. In here you can clearly see I am weak. I know I have people in my life who love me, but my problem isn't knowing this, it is FEELING this. My counselor always said that I can't love a person fully until I learn to love myself, but I feel like I have no problem loving everyone in my life... just me. But, I suppose, if one is to recognize the love others have for her, she must first understand what she has that makes her loveable... And that is not yet something she understands...
...But in time, I guess... In time...
No comments:
Post a Comment