My Light

A mother’s love is something beautiful, strong, dear, and extraordinarily complex.  A mother’s love is something unique, but also so very hard to define.  I tried once.  I found what I came up with to be beautiful, deep and full of meaning, yet still empty of choice words because, in my opinion, I’m not sure those words even exist.  I will include my attempt at defining my love in poem form below.  I wrote it a couple years ago and titled it “My Undetermined Angels”.  Below that, I will include a song by “Plumb” called “In My Arms” which helps in further defining the intricacy that is motherhood. 

To mother’s everywhere who love like I love, I hope this touches your heart.



"MY UNDETERMINED ANGELS"

There is nothing in this world that could compare to the way my kids make me feel. It is not comprehensible. It is a love so deep that my earthly thoughts cannot wrap themselves around. It would take a great power unknown to mankind to define something so beautiful. Yet, somehow I know that if it were defined, my love for them would still exceed the glory of that one word. The love I have for my kids will truly always be a question. Not for the sake of knowing if I do or if I do not love, but simply just for the one fact that a love like mine merely is left without definition.

~  Me

END.

Broken Bones

I wake up in the mornings feeling like the world has no color and that’s why, when other people look at me strangely, it’s because I have too many.  I feel like my colors are bright and happy on most days, but they are masked by others shades of black and grey and murky whites.  Let me try to break down what I’m trying to say…

…  When I wake up, my love is strong.  My heart is full of the desire TO love, but also to be loved.  When my day moves on, slowly I feel unappreciated.  I can only see what I do, how far I’ve come, and how good I’m trying to be.  When I fight for these good things, I look and see that I can only see.  I am invisible to those around me.  What I do is non-existent.  This hurts.

What I have also come aware of, is I have too much empathy.  I know this is a good thing, to be empathetic…  But how good should one feel when her thoughts and feelings are CONSTANTLY spent on trying on other people’s shoes when others do not attempt to try on mine?  I feel like all I do is understand.  I understand how people feel when they are happy, sad, angry or depressed.  I always strive to put myself there, to have understanding and to love in spite of it all.  But it’s too much…  I love too much…  I understand too much…  I FEEL too much…  And it’s too much.

I have often, in my life so far, felt like I was never meant for this life because of my empathy.  I don’t know anyone out there who feels as deeply as I do, who hurts as deeply as I hurt when I’m hurt, or who can’t let it go for the life of them, because the pain of it all never really goes away.  Some people are fooled by my attitude towards certain things…  Like my dear brother’s distance…  But that is the shell I hide in trying to cover myself from the razors that fall on me, and pierce my skin and open gaping wounds.  If I really show my soul to the world, then I would never stop crying.  If people really looked at me, they would see someone who feels too much.  It’s not natural for this planet and I guess that’s why I never feel like I fit in anywhere.  No matter how much I try to express how I feel, nobody can relate.  And that, my family and friends, is a very lonely feeling.

I’m growing tired.  Not even my own words can express how I feel now.  After all, who can really define the true essence of invisibility?  I have tried in this blog entry.  Loneliness is the best I have.  I feel like this must be how a place so black you can’t see your own fingers, would be like.  There is nothing but space and time, but you can’t see anything, and all you can do with your time is wander and hope that you will run into someone who is going through the same thing so that some part of you feels like it isn’t just you…  but you’re invisible. 

And the world moves on without you.  They laugh without you, cry without you, rage without you and all you can think is how you understand… but they don’t see you laugh, cry or rage because you don’t matter like they matter.  And you are sad, but they won’t see… they don’t understand because your empathy is foreign to this planet, and you will always have more empathy than they can give.

I don’t want people reading this to worry if I’m referring to being tired of living.  That’s not it.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tired of having a life.  Sometimes I want to run away and be alone and forget everyone because remembering and loving and understanding everyone in my life is just getting to be too much.  I feel, in a large sense, like I’ve been abandoned.  This is nobody’s fault.  Just issues I have yet to come across and conquer…  However, learning you’re appreciated and adored goes a long way compared to being ignored. 

I guess I need to start a new change and learn to open my eyes so I can finally see reality for what it is, and not for what I want it to look like.

END.

Okay.  So this one is a little sad.  I'm sorry for that.  I feel like this must read like someone who feels a little sorry for themselves, and maybe I do.  I have issues I still have to work through.  I have high expectations, and I take let-downs harshly.  This doesn't make for a strong person, but a weak one.  In here you can clearly see I am weak.  I know I have people in my life who love me, but my problem isn't knowing this, it is FEELING this.  My counselor always said that I can't love a person fully until I learn to love myself, but I feel like I have no problem loving everyone in my life...  just me.  But, I suppose, if one is to recognize the love others have for her, she must first understand what she has that makes her loveable...  And that is not yet something she understands... 

...But in time, I guess... In time...

Hello, Absent Mind.

I’m pretty darn lost today.  I do know why, but I do NOT understand why that reason should make me feel lost.  All I know is if it weren’t for my natural tendency towards paranoia, I wouldn’t be experiencing this discomfort at all.  I have grown very tired of the darkness my anxiety creates.  It makes me blind to all things logical.  After all, how long can someone really be in the dark before they forget what things that once made sense, look like in the light? 

I can answer that for you from the standpoint of my own shoes…  It doesn’t take long.  Not in hind sight.  I often feel like I’m looking in a rear-view mirror agonizing to turn around and find the “normal thinking girl” I left behind.  When I think about her I realize it took 1 day to change it all, and I have now spent an EXACT 7 years trying to find her and be her again.  I am seeing her wandering, here and there, but in no way shape or form will I ever become her again.  I have finally learned that there are just some things about me now that will always remain. 

I am a jealous person.  I will not EVER be opposite of that again.  My journey now is in handling my chaotic mind.  Organizing thoughts and putting them in the right place with the right moments in time.  To never be jealous, though, is like wishing for the ability to grow wings on this planet and fly far away from pain.  You and me, we ALL know of that impossibility.  So the question now is this – Should I accept this ugly truth, or continue to change my own mind?

Me:  I can’t answer that now. 

END. 

Remember me?

They bleed me dry with this sad song, and its cry echo’s deep inside my hollow cage.  I had a heart for them once, but with every fire that touched me, burned, and my willingness now has nearly disappeared with the rest of me.  I cannot ache like this for long.  The human in me becomes too weary, and you, YOU are never there to lift me like you use to or carry me like you did.

I almost do not recognize the large shoes you filled, but can we really say you filled them yet?  A boy behaves like you do but a man behaves better than you.  To me, you cannot fill those giant shoes until you take your black cover off your eyes and finally SEE.  I hate that when you do finally get your new eyes, it will be because of great loss.  And only then will you understand what you have done to hurt me and our blood in that beautiful cup you neglected for too long. 

But I will still wait to love you, because my love for you will never dry.  And when that day comes where you let me love you again, I can finally cry because I am happy.

END.



Below is a video that almost mirrors my feelings - A song by Avril Lavigne called "Remember When".  This is for my blood...  For my once, bestfriend...  I can't wait to be friends again, "Bug"...