Hello, Absent Mind.

I’m pretty darn lost today.  I do know why, but I do NOT understand why that reason should make me feel lost.  All I know is if it weren’t for my natural tendency towards paranoia, I wouldn’t be experiencing this discomfort at all.  I have grown very tired of the darkness my anxiety creates.  It makes me blind to all things logical.  After all, how long can someone really be in the dark before they forget what things that once made sense, look like in the light? 

I can answer that for you from the standpoint of my own shoes…  It doesn’t take long.  Not in hind sight.  I often feel like I’m looking in a rear-view mirror agonizing to turn around and find the “normal thinking girl” I left behind.  When I think about her I realize it took 1 day to change it all, and I have now spent an EXACT 7 years trying to find her and be her again.  I am seeing her wandering, here and there, but in no way shape or form will I ever become her again.  I have finally learned that there are just some things about me now that will always remain. 

I am a jealous person.  I will not EVER be opposite of that again.  My journey now is in handling my chaotic mind.  Organizing thoughts and putting them in the right place with the right moments in time.  To never be jealous, though, is like wishing for the ability to grow wings on this planet and fly far away from pain.  You and me, we ALL know of that impossibility.  So the question now is this – Should I accept this ugly truth, or continue to change my own mind?

Me:  I can’t answer that now. 

END.