Old, Stubborn Trees

Your words are like blankets…  Meant to cover, to warm and comfort.

They are LIES!  Why do you do it?  I am a woman now with a mind I use too much, and those blankets you use to cover me with are like fire to my ears.  They burn me.  They burn because I love you and I’m scared of what you have become now...  And I'm angry.

You are CONFINED, and nothing like the arms that use to cradle me.  You are weak and broken and sad… Don’t you see?  Don’t you see that what you do is hurting me… Hurting Her… You...… Us?  You are so ready to leave it all behind, and so selfish to only think of you.  What about me or all the other 11 and their's? 

You have to know that we love you!

And your life… you let it become nothing!  I guess I can understand why you’re so ready to let go!  You let yourself waste away.  When you speak now, it isn’t much about wisdom or anything REAL!  Because you drown yourself in your own blankets…  To take cover in, and be warm and comforted…  But you’re going to die…  And the sunshine that once burned in your eyes so brightly will dim… and all your beauty will wilt away…  And you’ll die…  You will die a waste….

You will leave behind a crowd who wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

... I am not ready to say goodbye…

Stop trying to cover me in your useless words.  They do nothing anymore but bring me down…

You ask me if there is anything you can do for me!?

……  All you can do for me now is fight!

End.

I wasn't sure I wanted to post this.  This one was a little rough to write...  Tears were involved and it's more striped down than my other poetry because I wasn't focusing on organization or rhyming...  Just letting go.

The people close to me will know what this means, but for those who are not a part of my life and happened to stumble on this...  it is about somebody I love and have loved since my birth and how their stubbornness is killing me emotionally and him physically...

I have tried more than once to talk to this person, but he keeps beating around the bush or fabricating what he is doing with his health to improve it.  He, instead, keeps making decisions that will ultimately speed up the process that has already been started 3 different times, and will finish himself off if he does not change.

Despite the depth of this poem and the HIGHLY possible punctuation errors, I hope someone or everyone who reads this, will take something from it.

Thank You.

Ugly, Like Today

I have one of those feelings today that nothing is correct; that my life is this crazy mess and none of it looks familiar from what I dreamed it to be.  I have one of those feelings today that make me sick to my stomach and it almost hurts to breathe because it's a reminder that I'm still in reality.  Today I want to be asleep, because fiction feels better than right now.  It is one of those days where ANYTHING would feel better than right now.  I don't know what else to say, but I think Christina Perri say's it best in The Lonely, so I'm going to try to include that in here.  I'm a little annoyed with myself that this couldn't be more positive, but I'm not happy right now and I need my outlet, so bare with me...  Maybe next time it will be better... And happy.

Anxious Mother

This is a poem I wrote today about my anxiety.  I feel it important to underline that "Mother" in this case, is referenced to the anxiety that I endure on a daily basis.  Later in the poem you'll read about "Father" which is referenced as the strong side of me, NOT God.  This is not a suicidal poem (lol.)  I hope all who read it enjoy it, but it should be known that I wrote from my heart.  Thoughts/feelings about it ARE certainly welcome, however, changes are unlikely to be made (unless there are misspells or punctuation errors.)

Thank you.



ANXIOUS MOTHER


Mother of my burden, Mother of my pain,

Mother of my solitude, Mother of my strain,

Why do you constantly haunt me?

Mother of choice, Mother of fault,

Mother of voice without result,

Why must you delude me?

Mother the beast that mothers the sad,

Mother in me all that is bad,

Why do you beat me down in my heart?

Mother the wicked, Mother the good,

Mother the coward who is misunderstood,

Why do you call when I am most happy?

Mother the sick, Mother the illness,

Mother is me, in my mind in the stillness.

Mother please leave me alone.

Mother the torment, Mother the bother,

Mother all weakness my soul still harbors,

Let me go to the Father.

I wish to be strong.  I wish to be wise.

I wish all things good inside of my life.

I wish to be free of the Mother.

Let me live, let me breathe,

Let there be love outside of your leaves.

You hurt me enough.

If you cannot say goodbye, let us live in peace.

Help me through the ache you cause or please just stay away from me.

Just A Little... Ummm...

I woke up exhausted today.  I know you automatically think I must have gone to bed really late or exercised too long, but that is not the reason.  I almost wish it were.  No, I had a bad dream.  I hate when I get them.  I wake up feeling sad, lonely and abandoned.  I wake up with anger, fear and depression.  But the worst is the anxiety.  After a bad dream like that, I can’t help but let even the smallest of things torture me.

It is hilarious to me (in the non-comical form, of course) when people try to help by saying just don’t let it bother you.  Really?  Did you just tell me that, assuming I am so blind that the obvious is hidden?  People of the world, or at least those who read this blog…  Someone like me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder can NOT really help themselves, but believe us that when we say “we try”, we do… Very VERY hard!  So little comments like that, that seem to comfort YOU, to us it’s like Wow!  You don’t think I tried that!?   It is not easy the way it’s made to sound, and then we end up not only feeling shitty, but now we feel like you’re calling us stupid…

Thank God nobody said this to me today.  I have been a recluse.  Not on purpose, but a recluse none-the-less.  Maybe because I feel like I am alone.  Like nobody out there can possibly understand how I feel, so I hide in my shell, even from my best friend.  Most people think I’m a freak, especially girls, but where girls are concerned I guess I don’t mind.  I like to be different than them.  But sometimes even those who like to be different, deep down want to be normal just like everybody else.  I suppose, if I could choose a trait to bring me a sense of normalcy, I would have to go with confidence.  I feel like confidence would fix all my problems.

Oh, how lucky would I be if that were a true statement?

_____________________________________________________

Sorry if this is a little hard to follow.  My punctuation and use of words may not even be normal, but I feel I was deprived a good education by my own accord.  I chose to stick with a high school that lacked in teaching its students properly.  I chose a social life instead of an educated one and now I regret it nearly 100%.  And to those who may read this and happened to attend that same school, I apologize.  Everyone learns differently and I took next to nothing from that place, so in saying what has been said, I mean no disrespect.  I’m just an anxious woman trying to figure out her shit :D   

A Dark Defined

A child in the deep, my soul is stubborn.
I cannot recollect a time I was saved.
I suppose if I was a forgetter,
these regrets would cease to bleed me dry.
But remember I will always,
the times I cried, I cried alone.

My lips were dumb, my fear was blinding.
When I spoke I was dismissed,
when I pushed my words, it was a joke...
Or at least to my young mind that is how it felt.
I was never most important,
just a background with the noise.

My heart is sore, my soul still weeps,
and when I sleep I am disturbed.
I reach out, I am put down,
I try again, back on the ground.
My mind in the form of a black plague,
poisoned the only haven I ever held.

Beast with two faces, have you a heart?
Why have you set me apart from the Alpha?
I worked for a smile, yet I loved just to love.
Tried with all the strength in me,
But, still I seemed to have failed miserably...
And I find myself still asking... Where have you gone?

I hear your words with my ears,
but when kindness comes from your lips I am deaf.
Perhaps through time I learned to hate
the reflection from the reflectors gate,
from those years of being no persons problem.
I feel it more now, had I ever before...

I am no longer you or yours to adore.

But my life must go on,
and as I cater to my own wounds
I will think of all that is good in you.
With the golden memories my heart is embraced,
and I find peace in the face of all that was ugly before.
My torment should not last this life.
I know now I will be strong again...

...In peace with the woman who once began
as a lover who always wanted
nothing more than to just be loved.

End.

_____________________________________________

I'm not sure what to think of this one.  I like it, but I don't.  Feedback IS welcome.  Oh, and please don't take my writing personally.  I DO write from personal experiences and feelings, but my intention is not to hurt anyone.  Thank you.

A Warm Welcome!

Hello all and welcome to my very first post on my very first REAL blog! 

Usually I fulfill my writing pleasures on Facebook which is why I say this is my first REAL blog.  No offense Facebook, but "notes" doesn't do anything for me these days!  I needed to stretch out my writing wings and fly and I thought that here was the perfect place to start. 

My husband is who really inspired me to actually DO this.  I am a freak when it comes to being paranoid and scared, so if it wasn't for his faith in me...  Well, you wouldn't be reading all this awesomeness Ha. Ha. Ha.  That man actually has me believing that I have talent, and I am a LITTLE tired of hiding in, what seems like the worlds smallest shell in the deepest parts of the ocean where all the cool fish dwell...  Don't ask me...

Anyway, this isn't going to be the best first post ever, but I won't let that stop me from writing.  You all will see another post soon, but I must warn you.  It may be ugly... Or it might be delightful, or strange, or incomprehensible, BUT write again I shall! 

If anyone actually happened to stumble on this, I really hope you enjoyed and wish to come again...  I'm going to need fans... or whatever we are called on here...  yeeeeeea...  That didn't sound desperate...  ;) 

LATER!