Just A Little... Ummm...

I woke up exhausted today.  I know you automatically think I must have gone to bed really late or exercised too long, but that is not the reason.  I almost wish it were.  No, I had a bad dream.  I hate when I get them.  I wake up feeling sad, lonely and abandoned.  I wake up with anger, fear and depression.  But the worst is the anxiety.  After a bad dream like that, I can’t help but let even the smallest of things torture me.

It is hilarious to me (in the non-comical form, of course) when people try to help by saying just don’t let it bother you.  Really?  Did you just tell me that, assuming I am so blind that the obvious is hidden?  People of the world, or at least those who read this blog…  Someone like me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder can NOT really help themselves, but believe us that when we say “we try”, we do… Very VERY hard!  So little comments like that, that seem to comfort YOU, to us it’s like Wow!  You don’t think I tried that!?   It is not easy the way it’s made to sound, and then we end up not only feeling shitty, but now we feel like you’re calling us stupid…

Thank God nobody said this to me today.  I have been a recluse.  Not on purpose, but a recluse none-the-less.  Maybe because I feel like I am alone.  Like nobody out there can possibly understand how I feel, so I hide in my shell, even from my best friend.  Most people think I’m a freak, especially girls, but where girls are concerned I guess I don’t mind.  I like to be different than them.  But sometimes even those who like to be different, deep down want to be normal just like everybody else.  I suppose, if I could choose a trait to bring me a sense of normalcy, I would have to go with confidence.  I feel like confidence would fix all my problems.

Oh, how lucky would I be if that were a true statement?

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Sorry if this is a little hard to follow.  My punctuation and use of words may not even be normal, but I feel I was deprived a good education by my own accord.  I chose to stick with a high school that lacked in teaching its students properly.  I chose a social life instead of an educated one and now I regret it nearly 100%.  And to those who may read this and happened to attend that same school, I apologize.  Everyone learns differently and I took next to nothing from that place, so in saying what has been said, I mean no disrespect.  I’m just an anxious woman trying to figure out her shit :D   

A Dark Defined

A child in the deep, my soul is stubborn.
I cannot recollect a time I was saved.
I suppose if I was a forgetter,
these regrets would cease to bleed me dry.
But remember I will always,
the times I cried, I cried alone.

My lips were dumb, my fear was blinding.
When I spoke I was dismissed,
when I pushed my words, it was a joke...
Or at least to my young mind that is how it felt.
I was never most important,
just a background with the noise.

My heart is sore, my soul still weeps,
and when I sleep I am disturbed.
I reach out, I am put down,
I try again, back on the ground.
My mind in the form of a black plague,
poisoned the only haven I ever held.

Beast with two faces, have you a heart?
Why have you set me apart from the Alpha?
I worked for a smile, yet I loved just to love.
Tried with all the strength in me,
But, still I seemed to have failed miserably...
And I find myself still asking... Where have you gone?

I hear your words with my ears,
but when kindness comes from your lips I am deaf.
Perhaps through time I learned to hate
the reflection from the reflectors gate,
from those years of being no persons problem.
I feel it more now, had I ever before...

I am no longer you or yours to adore.

But my life must go on,
and as I cater to my own wounds
I will think of all that is good in you.
With the golden memories my heart is embraced,
and I find peace in the face of all that was ugly before.
My torment should not last this life.
I know now I will be strong again...

...In peace with the woman who once began
as a lover who always wanted
nothing more than to just be loved.

End.

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I'm not sure what to think of this one.  I like it, but I don't.  Feedback IS welcome.  Oh, and please don't take my writing personally.  I DO write from personal experiences and feelings, but my intention is not to hurt anyone.  Thank you.

A Warm Welcome!

Hello all and welcome to my very first post on my very first REAL blog! 

Usually I fulfill my writing pleasures on Facebook which is why I say this is my first REAL blog.  No offense Facebook, but "notes" doesn't do anything for me these days!  I needed to stretch out my writing wings and fly and I thought that here was the perfect place to start. 

My husband is who really inspired me to actually DO this.  I am a freak when it comes to being paranoid and scared, so if it wasn't for his faith in me...  Well, you wouldn't be reading all this awesomeness Ha. Ha. Ha.  That man actually has me believing that I have talent, and I am a LITTLE tired of hiding in, what seems like the worlds smallest shell in the deepest parts of the ocean where all the cool fish dwell...  Don't ask me...

Anyway, this isn't going to be the best first post ever, but I won't let that stop me from writing.  You all will see another post soon, but I must warn you.  It may be ugly... Or it might be delightful, or strange, or incomprehensible, BUT write again I shall! 

If anyone actually happened to stumble on this, I really hope you enjoyed and wish to come again...  I'm going to need fans... or whatever we are called on here...  yeeeeeea...  That didn't sound desperate...  ;) 

LATER!