Just A Little... Ummm...

I woke up exhausted today.  I know you automatically think I must have gone to bed really late or exercised too long, but that is not the reason.  I almost wish it were.  No, I had a bad dream.  I hate when I get them.  I wake up feeling sad, lonely and abandoned.  I wake up with anger, fear and depression.  But the worst is the anxiety.  After a bad dream like that, I can’t help but let even the smallest of things torture me.

It is hilarious to me (in the non-comical form, of course) when people try to help by saying just don’t let it bother you.  Really?  Did you just tell me that, assuming I am so blind that the obvious is hidden?  People of the world, or at least those who read this blog…  Someone like me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder can NOT really help themselves, but believe us that when we say “we try”, we do… Very VERY hard!  So little comments like that, that seem to comfort YOU, to us it’s like Wow!  You don’t think I tried that!?   It is not easy the way it’s made to sound, and then we end up not only feeling shitty, but now we feel like you’re calling us stupid…

Thank God nobody said this to me today.  I have been a recluse.  Not on purpose, but a recluse none-the-less.  Maybe because I feel like I am alone.  Like nobody out there can possibly understand how I feel, so I hide in my shell, even from my best friend.  Most people think I’m a freak, especially girls, but where girls are concerned I guess I don’t mind.  I like to be different than them.  But sometimes even those who like to be different, deep down want to be normal just like everybody else.  I suppose, if I could choose a trait to bring me a sense of normalcy, I would have to go with confidence.  I feel like confidence would fix all my problems.

Oh, how lucky would I be if that were a true statement?

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Sorry if this is a little hard to follow.  My punctuation and use of words may not even be normal, but I feel I was deprived a good education by my own accord.  I chose to stick with a high school that lacked in teaching its students properly.  I chose a social life instead of an educated one and now I regret it nearly 100%.  And to those who may read this and happened to attend that same school, I apologize.  Everyone learns differently and I took next to nothing from that place, so in saying what has been said, I mean no disrespect.  I’m just an anxious woman trying to figure out her shit :D