My Light

A mother’s love is something beautiful, strong, dear, and extraordinarily complex.  A mother’s love is something unique, but also so very hard to define.  I tried once.  I found what I came up with to be beautiful, deep and full of meaning, yet still empty of choice words because, in my opinion, I’m not sure those words even exist.  I will include my attempt at defining my love in poem form below.  I wrote it a couple years ago and titled it “My Undetermined Angels”.  Below that, I will include a song by “Plumb” called “In My Arms” which helps in further defining the intricacy that is motherhood. 

To mother’s everywhere who love like I love, I hope this touches your heart.



"MY UNDETERMINED ANGELS"

There is nothing in this world that could compare to the way my kids make me feel. It is not comprehensible. It is a love so deep that my earthly thoughts cannot wrap themselves around. It would take a great power unknown to mankind to define something so beautiful. Yet, somehow I know that if it were defined, my love for them would still exceed the glory of that one word. The love I have for my kids will truly always be a question. Not for the sake of knowing if I do or if I do not love, but simply just for the one fact that a love like mine merely is left without definition.

~  Me

END.

Broken Bones

I wake up in the mornings feeling like the world has no color and that’s why, when other people look at me strangely, it’s because I have too many.  I feel like my colors are bright and happy on most days, but they are masked by others shades of black and grey and murky whites.  Let me try to break down what I’m trying to say…

…  When I wake up, my love is strong.  My heart is full of the desire TO love, but also to be loved.  When my day moves on, slowly I feel unappreciated.  I can only see what I do, how far I’ve come, and how good I’m trying to be.  When I fight for these good things, I look and see that I can only see.  I am invisible to those around me.  What I do is non-existent.  This hurts.

What I have also come aware of, is I have too much empathy.  I know this is a good thing, to be empathetic…  But how good should one feel when her thoughts and feelings are CONSTANTLY spent on trying on other people’s shoes when others do not attempt to try on mine?  I feel like all I do is understand.  I understand how people feel when they are happy, sad, angry or depressed.  I always strive to put myself there, to have understanding and to love in spite of it all.  But it’s too much…  I love too much…  I understand too much…  I FEEL too much…  And it’s too much.

I have often, in my life so far, felt like I was never meant for this life because of my empathy.  I don’t know anyone out there who feels as deeply as I do, who hurts as deeply as I hurt when I’m hurt, or who can’t let it go for the life of them, because the pain of it all never really goes away.  Some people are fooled by my attitude towards certain things…  Like my dear brother’s distance…  But that is the shell I hide in trying to cover myself from the razors that fall on me, and pierce my skin and open gaping wounds.  If I really show my soul to the world, then I would never stop crying.  If people really looked at me, they would see someone who feels too much.  It’s not natural for this planet and I guess that’s why I never feel like I fit in anywhere.  No matter how much I try to express how I feel, nobody can relate.  And that, my family and friends, is a very lonely feeling.

I’m growing tired.  Not even my own words can express how I feel now.  After all, who can really define the true essence of invisibility?  I have tried in this blog entry.  Loneliness is the best I have.  I feel like this must be how a place so black you can’t see your own fingers, would be like.  There is nothing but space and time, but you can’t see anything, and all you can do with your time is wander and hope that you will run into someone who is going through the same thing so that some part of you feels like it isn’t just you…  but you’re invisible. 

And the world moves on without you.  They laugh without you, cry without you, rage without you and all you can think is how you understand… but they don’t see you laugh, cry or rage because you don’t matter like they matter.  And you are sad, but they won’t see… they don’t understand because your empathy is foreign to this planet, and you will always have more empathy than they can give.

I don’t want people reading this to worry if I’m referring to being tired of living.  That’s not it.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tired of having a life.  Sometimes I want to run away and be alone and forget everyone because remembering and loving and understanding everyone in my life is just getting to be too much.  I feel, in a large sense, like I’ve been abandoned.  This is nobody’s fault.  Just issues I have yet to come across and conquer…  However, learning you’re appreciated and adored goes a long way compared to being ignored. 

I guess I need to start a new change and learn to open my eyes so I can finally see reality for what it is, and not for what I want it to look like.

END.

Okay.  So this one is a little sad.  I'm sorry for that.  I feel like this must read like someone who feels a little sorry for themselves, and maybe I do.  I have issues I still have to work through.  I have high expectations, and I take let-downs harshly.  This doesn't make for a strong person, but a weak one.  In here you can clearly see I am weak.  I know I have people in my life who love me, but my problem isn't knowing this, it is FEELING this.  My counselor always said that I can't love a person fully until I learn to love myself, but I feel like I have no problem loving everyone in my life...  just me.  But, I suppose, if one is to recognize the love others have for her, she must first understand what she has that makes her loveable...  And that is not yet something she understands... 

...But in time, I guess... In time...

Hello, Absent Mind.

I’m pretty darn lost today.  I do know why, but I do NOT understand why that reason should make me feel lost.  All I know is if it weren’t for my natural tendency towards paranoia, I wouldn’t be experiencing this discomfort at all.  I have grown very tired of the darkness my anxiety creates.  It makes me blind to all things logical.  After all, how long can someone really be in the dark before they forget what things that once made sense, look like in the light? 

I can answer that for you from the standpoint of my own shoes…  It doesn’t take long.  Not in hind sight.  I often feel like I’m looking in a rear-view mirror agonizing to turn around and find the “normal thinking girl” I left behind.  When I think about her I realize it took 1 day to change it all, and I have now spent an EXACT 7 years trying to find her and be her again.  I am seeing her wandering, here and there, but in no way shape or form will I ever become her again.  I have finally learned that there are just some things about me now that will always remain. 

I am a jealous person.  I will not EVER be opposite of that again.  My journey now is in handling my chaotic mind.  Organizing thoughts and putting them in the right place with the right moments in time.  To never be jealous, though, is like wishing for the ability to grow wings on this planet and fly far away from pain.  You and me, we ALL know of that impossibility.  So the question now is this – Should I accept this ugly truth, or continue to change my own mind?

Me:  I can’t answer that now. 

END. 

Remember me?

They bleed me dry with this sad song, and its cry echo’s deep inside my hollow cage.  I had a heart for them once, but with every fire that touched me, burned, and my willingness now has nearly disappeared with the rest of me.  I cannot ache like this for long.  The human in me becomes too weary, and you, YOU are never there to lift me like you use to or carry me like you did.

I almost do not recognize the large shoes you filled, but can we really say you filled them yet?  A boy behaves like you do but a man behaves better than you.  To me, you cannot fill those giant shoes until you take your black cover off your eyes and finally SEE.  I hate that when you do finally get your new eyes, it will be because of great loss.  And only then will you understand what you have done to hurt me and our blood in that beautiful cup you neglected for too long. 

But I will still wait to love you, because my love for you will never dry.  And when that day comes where you let me love you again, I can finally cry because I am happy.

END.



Below is a video that almost mirrors my feelings - A song by Avril Lavigne called "Remember When".  This is for my blood...  For my once, bestfriend...  I can't wait to be friends again, "Bug"...

Old, Stubborn Trees

Your words are like blankets…  Meant to cover, to warm and comfort.

They are LIES!  Why do you do it?  I am a woman now with a mind I use too much, and those blankets you use to cover me with are like fire to my ears.  They burn me.  They burn because I love you and I’m scared of what you have become now...  And I'm angry.

You are CONFINED, and nothing like the arms that use to cradle me.  You are weak and broken and sad… Don’t you see?  Don’t you see that what you do is hurting me… Hurting Her… You...… Us?  You are so ready to leave it all behind, and so selfish to only think of you.  What about me or all the other 11 and their's? 

You have to know that we love you!

And your life… you let it become nothing!  I guess I can understand why you’re so ready to let go!  You let yourself waste away.  When you speak now, it isn’t much about wisdom or anything REAL!  Because you drown yourself in your own blankets…  To take cover in, and be warm and comforted…  But you’re going to die…  And the sunshine that once burned in your eyes so brightly will dim… and all your beauty will wilt away…  And you’ll die…  You will die a waste….

You will leave behind a crowd who wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

... I am not ready to say goodbye…

Stop trying to cover me in your useless words.  They do nothing anymore but bring me down…

You ask me if there is anything you can do for me!?

……  All you can do for me now is fight!

End.

I wasn't sure I wanted to post this.  This one was a little rough to write...  Tears were involved and it's more striped down than my other poetry because I wasn't focusing on organization or rhyming...  Just letting go.

The people close to me will know what this means, but for those who are not a part of my life and happened to stumble on this...  it is about somebody I love and have loved since my birth and how their stubbornness is killing me emotionally and him physically...

I have tried more than once to talk to this person, but he keeps beating around the bush or fabricating what he is doing with his health to improve it.  He, instead, keeps making decisions that will ultimately speed up the process that has already been started 3 different times, and will finish himself off if he does not change.

Despite the depth of this poem and the HIGHLY possible punctuation errors, I hope someone or everyone who reads this, will take something from it.

Thank You.

Ugly, Like Today

I have one of those feelings today that nothing is correct; that my life is this crazy mess and none of it looks familiar from what I dreamed it to be.  I have one of those feelings today that make me sick to my stomach and it almost hurts to breathe because it's a reminder that I'm still in reality.  Today I want to be asleep, because fiction feels better than right now.  It is one of those days where ANYTHING would feel better than right now.  I don't know what else to say, but I think Christina Perri say's it best in The Lonely, so I'm going to try to include that in here.  I'm a little annoyed with myself that this couldn't be more positive, but I'm not happy right now and I need my outlet, so bare with me...  Maybe next time it will be better... And happy.

Anxious Mother

This is a poem I wrote today about my anxiety.  I feel it important to underline that "Mother" in this case, is referenced to the anxiety that I endure on a daily basis.  Later in the poem you'll read about "Father" which is referenced as the strong side of me, NOT God.  This is not a suicidal poem (lol.)  I hope all who read it enjoy it, but it should be known that I wrote from my heart.  Thoughts/feelings about it ARE certainly welcome, however, changes are unlikely to be made (unless there are misspells or punctuation errors.)

Thank you.



ANXIOUS MOTHER


Mother of my burden, Mother of my pain,

Mother of my solitude, Mother of my strain,

Why do you constantly haunt me?

Mother of choice, Mother of fault,

Mother of voice without result,

Why must you delude me?

Mother the beast that mothers the sad,

Mother in me all that is bad,

Why do you beat me down in my heart?

Mother the wicked, Mother the good,

Mother the coward who is misunderstood,

Why do you call when I am most happy?

Mother the sick, Mother the illness,

Mother is me, in my mind in the stillness.

Mother please leave me alone.

Mother the torment, Mother the bother,

Mother all weakness my soul still harbors,

Let me go to the Father.

I wish to be strong.  I wish to be wise.

I wish all things good inside of my life.

I wish to be free of the Mother.

Let me live, let me breathe,

Let there be love outside of your leaves.

You hurt me enough.

If you cannot say goodbye, let us live in peace.

Help me through the ache you cause or please just stay away from me.